How I Got Here …
Part 2
Is anyone else guilty of validating their beauty by other peoples opinions?
Well, I’ll be the first to admit - I’ve been there, done that.
I only started realizing this when I really sat there, wondering how I went from this confident, bubbly person to a girl who was so worried about others peoples opinions that I became so self conscious of my body and weight that I hid - at all costs. When I started to dislike the person in the mirror solely because of judging myself by the “size” I was or the curves I had, the only thing I had confidence in was when I styled my hair and I could smile to myself in the mirror and think I looked good. My hair was literally the crown I got to wear daily and once as it started to lose its beauty (as I shared in How I Got Here - Part 1) well… that’s when I began to lose myself.
There couldn’t be a better time for me to write this blog post, as it is Carnival (Caribana) here in Toronto and for many years I stopped playing mas because I didn’t believe my body was beautiful enough to be wearing a costume. I was so caught up with the way I looked that I forgot how special this time of year is. Caribana is a time to be free and to celebrate a culture that is so vibrant and resilient. Every year I got to experience Caribana with my parents, it was only until I got older that I really understood and appreciated the beauty of it all.
This blog post will be a bit of a journey through the years where my confidence once flourished and also came crashing down.
Growing up in a very predominantly white suburban area, I truly didn’t know what it meant to be West Indian or Indo Caribbean. All I knew is that looked very different, the food I ate was very different and the music I grew up listening was definitely different. It’s funny to say this now, but in elementary school I got made fun of for being brown, I didn’t know who my people were or what my culture was because life at school was very different than it was at home. But high school changed everything, I FINALLY met other kids just like me, who’s parents were also from Guyana and Trinidad. I finally found a place where I belonged and I soaked up everything about my culture. I was no longer living a double life as one person at home and another person at school … I was just me.
It was in high school that I started to get really into Caribana and start to appreciate it for all that it was. Then in 2010, that I got to wear my first costume - it was brand new to me and at first a bit uncomfortable as the first time was modelling in a band launch. 2010 was also the year I got to play mas for the very first time and I can still remember how much fun it was to be apart of and not just be a spectator. By 2011, I was in my element! This year I modelled for a large band at aband launch and I loved it, which it showed on face. But in September of that year, my dad passed away and I didn’t know how to deal with it. In 2012, I knew I had to play mas - it was my way of honouring my dad, because anyone who knew him knew that he was Mr. Caribana himself. Ironically, I don’t have a picture of this year, because this was also a year where I was so self-conscious about my body because at the time I had to dim my own light in order to please someone else’s opinion of me and actually kept me away from playing mas until 2015.
In 2015, I made a come back with my now husband and I decided I was going to do it up big! So I signed myself up for a frontline costume, although I was terrified because I’ve never done it on this scale before. This year was amazing but long story short, whenever you are living your best life FOR YOU - there is always someone lurking around trying to tear you down - which unfortunately got the best of me. I let one anonyms persons’ opinion of how fat I looked and how ugly & unattractive I was - ruin my entire experience and I let fear control me when Caribana came around. 2015, was the last year I played mas in Toronto. It’s ridiculous looking back because, I know I’m not the only woman facing negative comments about her body, her size or her curves. 2023 me would gladly go back to my 2015 body!
2019, the year I got to experience Carinval - the REAL DEAL in Trinidad… and let me tell you I worked my ass off going to a 6 week bootcamp to get in “shape” but little did I know my body wasn’t having any of it. But the money was paid, flights were booked and regardless of the number on the scale … it was happening. Let me tell you the amount of courage I had to muster up to wear that costume. And the photos of me in the costume - that was a whole other story, there was a lot of posing to hide how uncomfortable I felt. But I didn’t let that stop me from having the best time of my life! But in Trinidad, I was surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes that I never once felt out of place.
I really did let other’s people opinions of me really take away my joy of something that was once so special to me. So this year, I’m not longer hiding because of my fear of other people’s BS - I’m doing this for me. When you decide to work on yourself, you really learn to appreciate the skin you are in and instead of hating my “flaws”, I’m now focusing on accepting who I am … flaws and all. Caribana 2023, I’m coming for you!
To anyone reading this, remember that your worth is not determined by someone else's judgment or opinions. Embrace every curve, every scar, and every little thing that makes you uniquely you.
Confidence isn’t about how skinny you look … but it’s about how amazing you feel!
xo Sasha
